


Inferno Within Hell

by Mermie, MorganasCrow



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: ALS, Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Boys Kissing, Disease, Euthanasia, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Remorse, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 22:30:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11091258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mermie/pseuds/Mermie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganasCrow/pseuds/MorganasCrow
Summary: When Arthur proposed to Merlin, he revealed him the truth about his condition. And Arthur married him nevertheless. But now he lost his faith in himself. He was breaking down, watching Merlin's withering away and he felt he can't go on... He was feeling so weak and powerless in that rough time when Merlin needed him the most to be there for him... to soothe him, to love him, to just BE there...





	Inferno Within Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Lady Mermie's gifset to the fic: http://brolins-merthur.tumblr.com/post/140761342076/merthur-au-10-years-ago-arthur-proposed-to-merlin  
> (Check out before reading, please)

"Don't let this love die!"  
\- The Used (Kissing You Goodbye)

 

         The dull dark clouds were veiling the sombre day with endless gloom and the approaching rain was hanging from the skies. Through this cold autumn day a solely figure was walking the path paved among the moss-covered gravestones. Arthur lead his steps towards the church. His feet were heavy... just like his heart. He needed to have one very delicate conversation about such a grave issue...  
         Arthur dropped to his knees and rose his eyes to the pale expressionless face on the wall in front of him. Although he did never believe in Jesus, he came here to pray. He must try. He must try everything. He might wake up from his dreadful nightmare and see Merlin's face, smiling as he always used to, his cheeks rosy...  
         Arthur's fist clenched around the rosary so tightly his palm started to bleed from the pressure of his fingernails. He didn't care. He wasn't capable of feeling physical pain and he didn't pity the blood he spilt. He remembered how did the rosary get to him. He saw it like if it had been today. It happened at Hunith's funeral. Arthur had embraced Merlin, by then his fiancée, vainly trying to soothe him. Merlin had buried his face into Arthur's shoulder and had been soaking his tux with bitter tears. Arthur had been embracing Merlin tightly, caressing his hair and whispering into his ear: "Don't hold it, dearie. Cry for your grief will go along with the tears."  
         Merlin had been crying bitterly as if his tears could collapse the horrid truth his mother had been laying in the coffin. Arthur had felt pressure in his palm. "Here," Merlin sobbed. "I want you to have this." Arthur had cast down his eyes. Merlin had been giving him the rosary. Arthur had known it had been Hunith's, it'd been the only thing Merlin had left. Why would he've given it to Arthur whatsoever? "Merl, I cannot," Arthur had begun. But Merlin had shaken his head, denying all Arthur's appeals. Arthur lifted his eyes and saw Morgana out at the lawn, watching them and slightly nodding.  
         Arthur was kneeling on the ground, tears dripping from his eyes and washing his blood off the rosary. His heart ached - physically ached. He was blaming himself for what has happened, but he wasn't able to find any deed he could have done to deserve such suffering. He remembered how reckless they used to be. Arthur remembered laying in bed ith Merlin. His fingers carefully crept over Merlin's spine, his fingertips caressing the perfect skin. He was laying behind Merlin, marvelled by his sublime, yet vulnerable back. He loved to watch Merlin's back, so soft and fragile and promising all those perfect features he would have seen if Merlin turned around... He pressed a haste kiss on Merlin's backbone... Merlin turned around and wrapped his lips around Arthur's, kissing him softly, but passionatelly, kissing him like if their day was never to cease.  
         Arthur kept kissing Merlin's face, his fresh beard, his delicate lips, his earlobe... "Baby, I..." Merlin begun, softly kissing the tip of Arthur's nose. We need to talk about this. I want you to remember I love you, I always have and I always will. But when I'm gone..." "Shh," interrupted Arthur. "Don't..." When Arthur proposed to Merlin, he learnt about his condition. ALS... It didn't prevent him from marrying Merlin - it was true love and true love defeats everything... But when current conditions occured, Arthur broke down. Against Arthur's expectations they didn't make it through.  
         "What did I ever do to you?" cried Arthur towards Jesus in front of him, still tarnishing the floor flagging with drops of dark crimson. "Didn't I attend church enough? Did I forget to give five penny to the alms-box, did I swear or what? And what did he ever do to you? My Merlin..." Arthur's voice broke as he curled up into a ball of sobs on the crosses pattern paved floor.  
         At the beginning all the troubles seemed to be just inconvenient. Merlin felt his muscles are being weaker, but Arthur was taking care of him. He thought it was thanks to Merlin's job - he was working in the harbour... but still remained so skinny, so fragile... One day when they'd gone for a walk, Merlin... he'd said he stumbled, but Arthur had known what he'd seen... Merlin's leg atrophied. Against all Merlin's appeals he had driven Merlin to the doctor's... and all his darkest apprehensions had been confirmed. ALS symptoms. Soon they could have expected immobility, speech trouble, problematic swallowing, breathing issues, cramps... Merlin had gotten the disability pension, but Arthur had to go to work... One day he came back home and stood like thunderstruck at the threshold... Merlin was kneeling on the floor in front of their hi-fi, vainly trying to turn the volume up. The silent music pounded in Arthur's ears as he was watching Merlin, his eyes filling with tears... he felt so powerless. After endless minute he finally shook the shock off and hurried to help Merlin. Merlin's arms began to shake. "No! I can do it! I can do it myself!" he yelled. In the outbreak of anger and frustration he accidentally turned the volume control, so the loudspeakers began to scream Beethoven's 9th symphony out loud. Merlin was laying on the floor, breathing heavily, filled with rage. Arthur was sitting with his back against the wall, his eyes full of tears of despair.  
         They spent the rest of the evening in silence, both drowned in their own hopelessness. When Merlin fell asleep eventually, Arthur took a bottle of vodka out of the freezer and had a monstrous gulp. He was breaking down, watching Merlin's withering away and he felt he can't go on...  
  
         Arthur was sitting on the floor, quaffing the pure nepenthe, quenching his pain, numbening his despair for a while. He allowed the bitter tears to drain from his eyes like forest streams, quickly and mercilessly, rapid as a torrent, washing his face with hopelessness and despair. He was drowning his feelings in booze until all his feelings - his pain, his despair, his sorrow - faded, leaving only his love to Merlin, so deeply heartfelt not even alcohol was able to abate, to cool its flame.  
         Arthur zoned out, hoping to sleep this frightful nightmare away. Arthur's sleep was calmless, haunted by the ghost of the disease. He secretly knew Merlin was suffering and the countdown of their mutual time had almost run out, denying to admit something like that could ever occur though. And his thoughts he succesfully tamed during the daytime were now growing wild, screaming the horrid truth into his face. Merlin is suffering, he's in terrible agony and you are just bathing him in his dreadful pain.  
         "No, he's alright," Arthur murmured to himself, half asleep, to silence the screaming voices. Merlin needed him too much... he couldn't lose the battle against his demons. He had to support Merlin, soothe him, abate his suffering, prove him he loves him still... "He's gonna be alright," Arthur murmured. And a single teardrop left its friends in Arthur's eyes and slid onto the pillow.

         Merlin kissed Arthur's backbone. "Shake a leg, baby, it's time to get up," he smiled. Arthur turned to Merlin and lifted his bloodshot eyes, face swollen from crying. "Baby," whispered Merlin, laying the tray with breakfast into the blankets, embracing and kissing Arthur, "what has happened?" Arthur shook his head. "It's okay," he said, kissing Merlin's lips, soothing himself with the taste of his lips. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered, holding Merlin in tight embrace like if he believed the tighter the hug, the more it's likely to scare the reaper away, so tight Merlin could not move a single limb, so tight Arthur felt Merlin's heartbeat pounding against his own, so tight no one, not even Death itself could step betwixt them.. "I love you," whispered Arthur. He didn't say it enough to his mother - as he realized when she passed away - and he was scared of not saying it enough to Merlin.

         Merlin went to bed early. Arthur took care of everything again. Since Merlin's disease had gone serious, he was taking care of everything every day. It didn't bother him, he felt he's doing at least something to abate Merlin's suffering. But when he left Merlin to his sleep, his disguise of strength came undone. With tears washing his face Arthur opened the freezer and took his crystal clear friend.  
         Two hours later Arthur put the rest of vodka back and sauntered to the bed. He felt just a bit dizzy and he wished he was stronger... Not for himself, but for his husband. For his Merlin. Arthur was slowly sliding into the embrace of sleep... and a single teardrop slid onto the pillow again.

         Arthur was looking into Jesus' eyes. He finally noticed his palm is dripping teardrops His blood was worth spilling, but he was overwhelmed by sudden rage as he watched the dark crimson jewels. Arthur stood up and took few steps towards Jesus. "You goddamn whoreson," cried Arthur, his voice broken just like his figure. He spat upon Jesus before collapsing on the floor where he finally curled up into a ball of sobs. His bitter tears were dripping onto the floor. Arthur turned his face away from Christ, spilling tears... and the relief wasn't coming.  
         Arthur lifted his bloodshot eyes towards the son of God... His voice was still trembling with supressed sobs. "You didn't have to kill him." The whispered reproach resoned in the empty temple with unexpected intensity.

         Arthur was at work... the business dinner actually. He was trying to concentrate, but he had to think of his beloved husband. His personal mobile phone gave a beep. Arthur read the SMS from Gwen. Bollocks, it can't be! He could read the words, but his mind denied to accept their meaning. The city lights behind the window got blurred as there appeared tears in Arthur's eyes. He needs to see Merlin, he needs to be sure he's alright. "Gentlemen," he murmured, still barely able to think clearly. His boss, Kilgharrah and Anhora, their potentional business partner, looked at him and Kilgharrah made a silent gesture to let him know he has their full attention. "I... I am very sorry, but I must apologize... family problems." Then he got out of the restaurant before either Anhora, either Kilgharrah could say a word. Out on the street he caught a taxi. He was gazing into his phone, still trying to understand Gwen's clear message: "Merlin's in the hospital. Come ASAP."  
         Arthur reached the hospital. He was rushing towards the informations and as soon as he found out Merlin's room, he ran like Hell, rolling through the corridors smelling of aseptics like a tsunami. When he reached the room, Gwen and Morgana stopped him. "Arthur, you can't go in now!" Arthur has become unstable during Merlin's protruded disease and he had almost punched Morgana, but luckily he realized it in time. He stood aghast with what he had almost done. "I'm sorry," he muttered more to himself than to Morgana. "I just..." Arthur's world had been crumbling. He dropped on the ground, sitting, his back and back of his head against the cold wall. His face was swollen, teardrops dripping from the tip of his nose. "I can't ever lose him," Arthur cried. His voice sounded nothing like his own.  
         "Arthur," whispered Morgana softly. "Doctors say this is the terminal state. They're offering..." Morgana looked at Gwen who nodded "They're offering the brompton cocktail."  
         "No," barked Arthur firmly. "No one will kill Merlin. We will make it through. We have until now and we will in the future!" "Arthur," interrupted Gwen softly. "Look at yourself. You're both withering away and you are coming undone. How are you going to make it through with Merlin when you're constantly drunk?"  
         "I'm not," Arthur began, but then he realized. Gwen was right. "I can't decide it," he murmured. "I must see him."

  
         Arthur entered Merlin's room. He was laying in the bed, totally immobile, unable to breathe on his own. The lung ventilation was slowly moving up and down. Merlin was barely able to open his eyes. Arthur watched the funels that were letting the infused nutrition into Merlin's veins. He dropped to his knees and laid his hand into Merlin's. Merlin tried to clench his fist around it. "Don't, love. Don't waste your energy."  
         Merlin's face was numb as he was doped with painkillers. Still it hurted... breathing hurted, swallowing was pure agony. Arthur's head was spinning in flames, he was like the flame of pain. He hated himself. "I'm so sorry, darling. I've been such a shitty husband..." Merlin moved his eyes left, right, left. He was shaking his head!  
         Arthur kissed Merlin's fingers. "I love you forever." Merlin gasped for breath heavily. "I don't ever want to lose you." Merlin opened his eyes heavily. They were shining with pure love, yet contorted with agonizing cramps. Arthur couldn't let Merlin suffer like that. Time and again, he saw how terrible husband he'd been under booze. "I can't," he murmured, but Merlin's agonized face persuaded him he can.

         Arthur was laying on the chuch floor. "What have you done?!" Jesus' face was still motionless, empty of expressing. Arthur was raging, furious. He yelled. He sput on Jesus. He almost whisked the rosary against the wall, but he didn't want to lose the only thing he had left. He clenched his fist around it again, collapsing on the floor curled up like a fetus, quietly sobbing.

         Arthur was kneeling by Merlin's bed, holding his hand, caressing it. "You've given me so much, baby, and I've been terrible. You have taught me how it feels to be worth. You are everything to me forever. You taught me so much." A teardrop ate its way over Merlin's temple and slid onto the pillow. "But above all," Arthur continued, "you taught me how to love again. You showed me what it means to be alive." Merlin tried to catch Arthur's hand. Arthur was crying. And Merlin was crying too. He was suffering, the agony gnawed his body so much. He couldn't say how much Arthur's care meant to him. He parted his lips, but the only sound he was able to produce was a horendous death rattle. "Shh," hushed Arthur. "Do not say anything, sweetheart. I've been horrible, but I won't make you suffer anymore. I'm so sorry." Arthur embraced Merlin carefully. "I will miss you."  
         The doctors had entered already, and as Arthur kissed Merlin's forehead and then nodded with tears sparkling in his eyes, they began to switch the machines off. Merlin muttered: "I love you, A..." Then he closed his eyes. Arthur cried bitterly, still somehow hoping Merlin will open his eyes again. But Merlin didn't open his eyes... never ever again. Arthur broke down on the floor in the ball of sobs, his fingers still clenched around Merlin's hand which was slowly growing cold.

         It looked just like at Hunith's funeral. Everyone who knew Merlin was in the room, wearing black. But this time it was Arthur, to whom everyone condoled, Arthur, who's face was awash with tears, Arthur, who's heart was shattered in pieces... And it was Merlin who was laying in the casket.

"We buried our love"  
\- Moonspell (Extinct)


End file.
